It was nothing as imagined. No fancy hotel on the beach with virgin umbrella cocktail drinks ( well it is a Mission retreat). It was simple, pure and sacred. Exactly what I had prayed for. I wanted to meet God in a way I never had. and well, I did.

and I have been to Fiji as a tourist… even more reason to know that my heart was in the right place. But as I type this and with all my proving something to somebody maybe I am discovering I have a lot to learn when it comes to listening to God.

I sat overlooking the South Pacific on a wobbly damp hand-made bench of 2 recycled stumps and a plank. My camera with me set on video and just recording the breeze as it hit the palm trees and the birds as they did what birds do. Happy birds, communicating something glorious or practical, i could not tell.

I was near the chapel where echoes of Fijian Men and women sang so deeply from their hearts that it echoed off heavens doors only to come back with such fervor and passion that I could only well up in side. It hurt so much intellectually that my brain was crying my heart was crying and obviously I was crying.

maybe you can’t hear it, but I hope you can someday. I was met there and the Spirit poured out as the spirit does.

I am certain that on any given day at 6am you can stop by the church in Fiji and hear this adoration for their God, my God. You can see worship in a pure form without inhibition. Love for and service to their Christ King.

What I am doing now is boldly asking God how can I bring Fiji praise home to my heart first, then to my community. In doing so we may see some tangled and twisted relations in God.

Next time I may ask for financial help from so many who are willing to give when it goes back into the greater good, His kingdom. Or maybe I will still be working on proving something but in either case… this is truth. I am going back. I am worshiping there, it is contagious in a way that you want not for it to ever leave you.

I am utterly convinced that I am destined to Heaven but I am not sure why. Ok I know why but really why? I don’t deserve it, yet you heap it upon me like undeserved blessings that while completely special and uncomprehendable it is simple to attain for all. Why don’t I share this greatness with everyone in my life, why do I find it easier to shelter myself behind the acquaintances that I know believe or those I know don’t believe finding myself meeting them there?

When will I shout it from the mountain tops, when will my life be fulfilled in You? I am eager to know you, to feel you in my very presence at ALL times. And when my hands reach out that they aren’t taking from you but giving up to you GOD. Giving into you God. Letting go to you GOD. You are the mighty gentleness, an explosion of presence that cuddles my being, my essence yet doesn’t give into my imperfectness. You accept it. You forgive it, you guide me by leading not by pushing. Oh sometimes I wish you would push. You know, you know when, but I praise your for always being the leader. I hope there will be a sigh of relief that comes before my last sigh, that says profoundly you are my God, my one true love, the one that has worshiped me even when I wasn’t wise enough to really Worship you. You have lifted me, carried me, caressed me, forgave me, lived for me, died for me, held me, blessed me, you have scolded me and risen for me. My existence is full of reminders that draw me to your greatness. Everything draws me closer to you but myself at times. Oh burn this out of me, yield me to who you are in all I do from my waking moment to my days last blink. Each day, everyday.

If you don’t know him, why didn’t I tell you? If you do know him, may your knees endure the pleasure of bowing to no greater a God then God. The one who has loved you even when you have not loved others, or even yourself.

My list today is simple and includes all of the above…I guess just seeing that I can be thankful. Not everyone is ready to be thankful right now or some people I have met are thankful for nothing. I am thankful today that I can see things to be thankful for. That my eyes see clearly that I have a lot to be thankful for. That my vision is clear upon that which has been afforded me.

So God, I am thankful also and most important that you have met me. You have redeemed me.

Is there anything better than that.

Happy Thanksgiving

Honestly, this has been an intense spiritual journey and I know you shudder at the thought of transformation but I am not the man I was. I am still the man you know but I don’t think coming out of this that I would be the same guy or even want to be the same guy. Maybe in some ways that intensity or spiritual ferver is overwhelming for you. I guess I am going head on into this and really enjoying it.

I hate what has happened.

I am lonely more often than not.

I am tired, I am weak, I am battling demons but these battles are great for my soul. What comes out is a tempered anger at a church that left me, a women who partially deceived me, a wife who didn’t love me, and only me to blame…

I love my walk, it is not my favorite season but it is producing fruit that will supply a lifetime if not generations of guidance. That fruit is worth working for.

God has been good to me. It is weird, I can’t say that I believed in miracles really until the last 6 months… I feel his hand kind of scooping me up gently and saying I am in control… you know me, I like control. But I am liking him being in control. It is working better.

My marriage is nice. We have taken issues that would never have been addressed if not for the explosion of one issue and been able to work through them better. It is more than nice but I don’t want people to feel I am at a PEP rally trying to prove something. That I am not. Quietly and unassumingly I just believe it is a miracle. You can think what you think.

On the back of our bedroom door lay witness to an ugly time when divorce seemed eminent. A chart from our counseling that is the size of a poster. It is a dance of poor communication that gets played out in everyone’s life, marriage or relationship. This chart is ours, it is personal. We see triggers and how we react to them and then how we push back and how that triggers a partner. Knowing this, learning this has been like a blind man seeing for the first time but not just seeing, gazing upon the most rich sunset or field of flowers. From nothing/darkness to revelation on something so beautiful. That is where we are at.

See what God intended and what we screwed up he will still find a way to bring it back to him.

Period. That is my blog today… maybe I should post this.

We were at 7 /11 and we came across the Hostess section. How could we have missed it all these years and only 5 aisles. She has leaned in prior years the more attactive candy aisle or the chip aisle but not this day…

My daughter loves junk food and well I love that about her, but she had not jumped into the holiest of junk foods yet. Hostess snacks. Remember the Sno Balls with their unearthly pink tone or the venerable Twinkie? We decided tonight she needed to try the Ding Dong. Yes we would buy the package of 2 as they have always come or when you bought the box and they were wrapped in foil. We would go home, take the milk out, we would cut the 2 Ding Dongs in half and share them with mom and brother.

Home we went with our stash. Isabellas visibly excited by not sure what and me egging this moment on. See growing up for us the Hostess treat was the closest thing to heaven in our little home outside of LA. We would get lucky and buy the family packs or other times we would take our allowance and buy one of these treats behind our parents back. Always leaning towards the triune of Hostess snacks. The Twinkie, The Sno Ball and the Ding Dong (that was by brothers favorite- or at least that is what I remember). As I got older I moved into the more classic Hostess deserts the elegant pack of mini donuts crumb flavor for me and powder for my brother and even older I moved into the Hostess Mini Coffee Crumb cakes. A carton of milk and you are set…

So we video taped the whole thing and while my hype inspired some confusion and even concern, first bite and my daughter was not overly impressed but finished it and my son obviously lacking the maturity required to undertand this epic moment did not at all finish his (out of fairness to me, he is not a desert guy so he comes more from Shirley’s blood than mine!).

After eating our 1/2 a dong and drinking out of the milk carton as approved by me since that brings it home (a glass is far too fancy for this type of dessert) for the whole feel. We called it a night and retreated into our wind down mode. Brush, wash, jams and jump into bed for last minute thoughts on the day, prayers, bust a little Jesus Loves Me (sometimes I beat box to it just to keep them on their toes (ask them)) and kisses. What a special time of evening that is even if you had not just previously partaken in one of the more sacred rights of passage (the Hostess Snack Aisle). As part of her prayers -and not solicited by me- as I walked into the room as mom had already started into their prayers I hear “and Thank you God that I got to try those doorbells tonight…” ( You know that moment in a prayer when you aren’t supposed to open your eyes and check to see if the other person was also opening their eyes to check to see if the other person was opening their eyes?) Well we both opened our eyes my wife and I and we were a bit confused but let her continue with praying for the babies in Africa and Lousiana and then had to ask her about the doorbells. “you know the things we tried tonight”. Love it. Love the doorbells. Always have loved the snack although the taste has gotten a little more processed and can’t see why I would ever need to call them anything but doorbells at this point. Can’t wait to see what she renames the Twinkie…

I love the walk I am on. Before I decide to join a monestary and flog myself into spiritual formation…I have tasted forgiveness so it is so much easier to be a bit more forgiving to myself and others more than I had been for many years. Part of that forgiveness or even just compassion is on those that are in a different place. Man I love the person that admits their heart. A true transparancy. I guess the best current measure of a soul is if can check off a list of external actions. Nice to homeless guy- check, gave at church ( almost tithed)- check, prayed everyday- check, Bible- read it- check. So on the outside and our actions we are SOO Christians. Man that guy is so Christian… look at all he is doing.

but where are you really? And it may be, forgive me, that your heart IS in the right place. More likely we have sustained an outward appearance that keeps everyone at bay to know the depths of our hearts; remind you, the same heart that He, our Abba knows better than you. So when you close the door, or are alone, or driving, or just not recreating the acts of external Christiandom that you may succomb to your true hearts desires; Sin, lust, desire, pride, anger, bitterness.

External measure fooled everyone. Inner Measure not tested.

How can you measure a heart? How can we do an inward measure that when someone gives us the update on their walk that it does not include ‘I read my Bible’ but more of ‘my heart so desires him’ and he has replaced so many bad habits with his grace. We will never be perfect but attaining a true measure of your treasure will not be found in the external actions that many of us thought. Reading the Bible is not my measure, it is my desire and it followed when I chose that his word was alive for me not when I was guilted into thinking that this is what a Christian is supposed to want to do.

Prayer (prayer if that truly was a measure of your heart every University and Hospital would be near like a sanctuary for Christ based on when people are praying-tests, illness, etc. (Nothing wrong with praying during those times just so I am clear)), don’t get me started on prayer. I learned that we are to be thankful in our prayers from an early child and this I agree, but God wants so much more. He wants us to bring to him our hearts desires. So as my passion has developed for Him who saved me so has my desire to communicate in complete and utter transparancy. He already knows anyway…but now, but now I feel God literally present in my prayers. Have you prayed and just felt the Holy Spirit working through your words. I now ask for things, I ask for his will to be done, I pray for miracles. I have experienced miracles first hand and it is through prayer that I was made witness to this.

So what I am getting at is when I shifted my desires on Him, When I made him my treasure that I realized that these external actions are not just actions that you are supposed to do and hopefully want to do. These are something that are a part of me, part of my very being. What changed. I did. I allowed my self to be fully embraced in his love, mercy, grace. The action does not come first the inner must come first and the external will follow.

I am not sure what it will take for you attain this but I am not sure if I had not experienced true brokeness that my shift towards him would have ever happened. I pray that you don’t have to suffer as I have to make that shift.

Matthew 6 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

It isn’t necessarily saying you can’t have other treasures but a good measure would be to look at the passions in your life, family, spouse, activities, etc and decide have I alloted my 1 hour on Sunday to Jesus and done just enough. God loves those one hours and really will multiply it with blessing but I yearn that our person would know that our eternal treasure is so much more valuable than the things of this earth.

Admit your heart to him right now. He wants that more than anything.

I am met by a young lady who is newer in her walk. In sharing her story, she talked about the church she attends. How she is being ministered to. Being loved on, cared for. She says no one has ever cared about her wholeness.

Wholeness!… when we care and bless other lives, When we relate to needs, hearts desires and longings, we connect Jesus with those who are Jesusless. Genuis. Wholeness.

I am now longing for wholeness in me and realize that so many want to be whole too.

Almost as we yearn to be holy and set apart we are working on being whole and a part. I like how he picks up the pieces, the parts and puts it together for his glory… Takes my unwholeness and sets me apart.

Only in Him.

God
Help me to recreate wholeness in all I come in contact. gently slide all the pieces with my hands closer to one pile instead of a shattered life. Allow this work to glorify you and then Lord just take it and make us whole and holy. Really, like only you can do.

I am sitting in the hall reading to my kids in between their rooms and they bring me their great illustrated children bible books with pictures (sometimes wish my adult Bible had pictures to really help me see IT). And beautifully displayed is the this wild man in the water. John the baptist, and while my kids are still hung up on the locust and honey diet I am dropped to my emotional knees by ‘this is the One we have been waiting for’. the place must just been on fire. The people, This is the one? The curius not even sure why they are there… some in eager anticipation and some dumbfounded… I am not even talking about the Spirit descending I am just talking about the moment that completes everything that has been read from their torah, the prophets and history. As Jesus nears him, he immediately knows. ‘you are the One I have been waiting for…’

Jesus humbles himself to present himself to John. baptize with water. and then confirmation from heaven on how deeply meaningful Jesus is to the Father. and so to us…

This is the One I am waiting for. He has met me in the still waters and I can’t wait to meet him face to face. I will know him. I will recognize him.

Ponder with me as you listen to Chris Tomlin sing ‘This is our God’ (preferably the live version in Austin). Just let the words pour over you. Put yourself at the River.

This is our God…

Shelter from the storm
Return your wasted years
Call upon his name he is mighty to save.
Healer to the broken
Peace to our madness
comfort in our sadness
This is our God…
You are Jesus HOLY ONE. Lord and Saviour

The evangelical church ( that I belong to ) as a whole has skidded so far away from its original rawness and passion (my opinion). I like Velvet Elvis. It is contraversial and I whince at a few things he says but one thing that I don’t whince at is his description of reformation and Martin Luther. He describes the word as a verb but all of us consider Reformation a noun. I am rewriting what he said but it comes down to the fact the reform is continual. It did not happen once in 1517 or whenever it was, but it is on going. We are to reform our thoughts to Him. NOT conform but reform. As we are inundated with new things our passion for Christ is reformed to his model not conformed to the world.

So maybe that is who I want to be.
So I am making amends. Working on apologizing to all I have hurt. No I am not in a 12 step program, no this in no way is a sitcom. This is my life and some of the destruction I have created has also seperated people from the forgiveness of Christ. So I am not going to be a part of their bitterness or anger and I am going to give to my need to heal with my brother.

Is this what God is calling of me?
I am basing it on James 5:16 ‘confess your faults one to another and pray for each other and you will be healed’

So as I crack my knee every morning in the shower and my wife puts on her reading glasses to read what I write I am reminded of the perfect, the one who made me. And as fragile as I have become and will become, I know this life is short. Sometimes painful. Sometimes too young.

At 91 Shirley’s grandma, my grandma went home. She was ready and she was tired. But her spirit was alive in a feeble framework of this earthy shell we call our body. In her eyes lived something beyond the weakness of her flesh and it was an eternal gaze. She loved us on earth but could taste heaven on her lips like nothing before. She was ready.

Is your spirit alive? See I know for me that I want to live a long life and hopefully a healthy long life but there will be disease just as the sun comes up each day and there will be pain. But one thing that cannot be taken from me is hope. I question it as an immature person of too young but as I wise up, live up and grow that things of this world will grow strangely dim and hope is all I have. Heaven is my home. Right now I selfishly can’t imagine leaving my children or wife but that is because I haven’t fully realized the amazingness of being in the presence of God or heaven. In the book ’90 minutes in Heaven’ his family especially father in law was angered at the thought of him NOT wanting to come back to life to be with his family. The author was angry that he was brought back to life and had to leave heaven. I can’t imagine being put in that position. This makes me believe his story. To come clean and say to the earthly things you loved the most that you didn’t want to come back to them… wow. That is reality that I can’t imagine. But I guess heaven is pretty cool as I try and put words to it.

I have one hope and it is innocent… I hope they have monkey bars in heaven. There was a time that I played so freely lifted above all the others on the playground and was able to hang and do whatever I want.

So in a flash we go. Have you thought about where you are going? Have you thought about what it would be like?